Where do I go from here? | beautifullyshattered's Blog

Where do I go from here?
I have no idea what life is anymore. All it is going through struggles and problems with people who come in and out of your life. And those people who just come in and out have the biggest impact on how you behave and view perspectives of your pathetic so called “life”. Every day I only go through struggles, and with seldom happiness. But who cares, it only shows that my life is like walking on shattered glass with bare feet. It is so painful obviously that you might as well end the bleeding, and suffering with losing yourself. Losing yourself is so easy because all your really doing is making yourself disappear from your friends, family, acquiesces, strangers, anyone you’ve ever encountered and the world it’s self. Yes, I am capable of doing this but yet something has to hold me back. Could it be the little voices in my head? Or is it because I can’t just leave without an explanation? Maybe it is because I am so desperate in need of help that I pray and crave that someone out there waiting for me to ask. Or is possibly I know that I am just going to put everyone I love and care for in so much pain that they will hate me deep inside for doing this to them? I don’t actually know why I can just get the deed done. I am so lost that I don’t actually believe in faith and hope… So, now I always wonder is there really a future out there for me? I’m not sure but part of me wants to know what that there is and wants to work towards it and reach whatever it is waiting there for me. As for the other part of me just wants to give up and just throw away everything I have ever done and ever wanted or dreamed of. Anyways, as for my so called life I am known as a freak, weirdo, silent, ugly, nerd, emo, attention whore, dumbass, slutty wannabe, annoyingly loud, anxious, bitch at school. I agree with the anxious, silent, freak names people have called me. Because I am a freak but I am also oh so silent. But the anxious part is too real for me; I am anxious, overly anxious, and so anxious that I get panic attacks. Yes, panic attacks you know the ones where you can’t catch your breath and pant so much where tears burn through your eyes, the ones where you shake uncontrollably with every part of your body, the ones where you get so over heated where you sweat worst then running in your winter clothes in the blazing hot sun all day, the ones where your heart beats so fast and so hard where it feels like your rib cage is going to burst. Yup that’s me the girl who can’t even control any part of herself. How embarrassing and shameful it is to be me. I would do anything to get the courage do just put my life on pause, a pause that can never be played again.

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Previous Posts
Emptiness, lonely, nothing, posted February 18th, 2013
Where do I go from here?, posted February 18th, 2013
Eating disorder, posted February 18th, 2013

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