Emptiness, lonely, nothing | beautifullyshattered's Blog

It was all in my head. I actually made myself believe everything was going to be perfect, great and at ease. I know I shouldn't have expected that at all since it’s only been a few days on medication, but I did and was let down. Well I can say that I’m better then I was before, but there is something totally new, a new feeling. I thought I have experienced this “feeling” before but I guess not. That rainbow I thought I had was an illusion; it was only the mist of the storm. The storm may have stopped raining but it hasn't completely vanished yet, if you know what I mean. As for what that new feeling is emptiness, loneliness, and constant unreal/numb aura that I carry with me. I would have rather felt whatever it was before any medication has become involved in my life because I was able to control parts of what was wrong maybe not the best way, at least it made me alive, but now I have no idea. Like now that I have started medication it has blocked a part of me that I can’t find/reach, it’s really weird. In my mind there is that empty feeling because it’s cleared out, gone, disappeared; I don’t quite know how this happened or to explain this with making sense. When I let my mind wonder there is a wave of confusion that overlooks everything I was thinking about. Like it’s that nagging check up on how I’m supposed to feel, like I usually don’t know what I’m really feeling anymore, so I always ask myself am I happy, sad, anxious, amused, thankful, relieved or frustrated? I have no idea it’s like I’m physically there but not mentally. I don’t understand this. I’m so out of place, I mean I've always felt that way but now I feel like that way in my safe space, which is so hard because that was my safe place, the place where I’m in tuned with myself and comfortable but now it’s awkward and unfamiliar. This is legitimately scary but that is not the only difficult struggle, the hardest challenge is that empty, nothingness and lonely feeling is trying to figure out who I am, and what my purpose is. I have no idea where and who I am, I have completely lost myself and in desperate of need of help.

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Previous Posts
Emptiness, lonely, nothing, posted February 18th, 2013
Where do I go from here?, posted February 18th, 2013
Eating disorder, posted February 18th, 2013

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